"How Much Longer?"

"How much longer?", "How many more contractions?", "When will my baby be in my arms?", 

"Am I almost done?", "Am I getting closer?", "What time is it?", "Oh really, how much longer?"

The unknown of WHEN is the concern in many home births. The heightened knowledge of time passing without the knowledge of how much longer is present constantly. It is surrounding and swirling and filling every nook and cranny of mind and space. 

The bigger picture is that we are taught to be efficient. We are taught to race to the finish. We are taught that if we can't accomplish things quickly, we have failed. But birthing like many things in our lives is not about speed. It is about allowing the moments to unfold, allowing the time to pass as we slowly approach the end that is a new beginning. The mind needs to surrender. The body needs to flow. Each cell of the body needs to embrace the pace. This slowness and surrender enables the flow into "labor land" where time is insignificant and no longer matters. 

When we share space with someone fully surrendering and embracing "labor land", our only job is to surrender our attachment to time restraints and allow the energy to flow.  As the energy of surrender increases, every nook and cranny of mind and space fills with patience and peace. The primal brain activates and allows the body to soften, open, and release. The attention to time washes away. The peace of being in "labor land" washes over. And the end becomes a new beginning as the first lusty cry fills the room.

When I'm dancing, it's like my heart is singing

When my son, Eli, was 3, he happily exclaimed,"When I'm dancing, it's like my heart is singing". I knew that dancing filled his life with joy and could feel the jubilation in his words but I didn't look much deeper. When he was 6 or 7, I took him to see Deborah Mills, an amazing healer that we had been working with for years and years. As she worked on him, an elated look crossed her face and she stated,"well, I've never seen this before. The energy in his root chakra (his feet) wraps around and connects to his heart". I instantly remembered his 3 year old jubilant voice.

This connection and the idea that we can be connected energetically and invisibly to ourselves and others has fascinated me always. I have looked closely and have "seen" these invisible connections. I saw it when my mom showed up at school to get me even before I called her to say I was sick. I saw it when our cat wouldn't leave our dog, Jewelle, when she was so close to death. I saw it when my great grandmother knew that her daughter was passing even though she was miles away. 

And I see it over and over and over again in my practice as a midwife. I see it when the phone rings just as the baby is born as the new grandmother calls to check in and get an update. I see it when the baby that is having a slow transition to the extra uterine world perks up as the family members welcome them with coos and rubs. I see it when the siblings assess the energy in the birthing room and decide where they feel the most comfortable. 

This invisible yet palpable energy is around us always, in every moment, in every situation. How we handle and share it can determine our mood, our day and the mood and the path of the day for others. The energy we bring into birth can determine the memories of the family, the memories that last a lifetime. We are the keepers and senders of our own energetic connections. Consciously maintaining and sending clear positive energy maintains clear positive connections. One positive connection can calm or diminish another negative connection coming from another source. The spirals of energy swirling around us can be channeled and spread. We too can feel our heart singing when we dance.

It's Been Two Weeks

I want to text him that the birth happened and a lovely baby has been born. I want him to know everything is okay, mom, baby, and family are blossoming. I want him to know that I'll be home soon and we can cook together or binge our latest infatuation or just sleep while we snuggle. I want him to know that he was my first thought as soon as the immediate birth energy settled.

But it's been two weeks. Two weeks since I heard his voice. Two weeks since I held his hand and smelled his neck and kissed his lips. Two weeks since I crawled into bed beside him. Two weeks since I've been able to text birth time and a loving "see you soon!" message.

I have moments when I forget. I forget and expect him to be sitting in his favorite spot on the couch when I walk through the door. I forget and pick up my phone to call him and ask him what he's craving for dinner. I forget and start thinking about our next adventure, our next bucket list item. I forget and then I remember. I forget and then I remember. I forget and then I remember. And then I remember and  I remember and  I remember.

But I'm not broken and I'm not less than whole. My heart is full of the love he gave me even if my hands and arms are empty. A couple months ago I strongly told him that I couldn't do this alone, without him. His expression was gentle but serious as he told me that I was the strongest person that he ever met and that I could do it and he didn't worry about me for a minute. So every time I forget and remember I also remember those words. I remember that I am strong. I remember that our love made me strong.  I remember that my heart is full. I remember that I'll always remember.

I Love You Daniel

September 3rd 1955-May 24, 2019

Never Let'em See You Stop

As a young child, elementary school age, I distinctly remember a teacher telling a student that she needed to keep going and stop complaining. I wasn't the one being reprimanded but I heard and listened. I didn't like to be singled out and noticed and keep going and stop complaining was a great way to remain anonymous if done correctly. And wow, I really learned to do it correctly. I embraced multitasking. I could always add another project to my plate even if it was overflowing. I learned that sleep was for idlers. I could stay up longer and later and get everything done. In college, I was able to carry a larger than normal credit load (I switched majors after 2 years and had to catch up to graduate in 3 years instead of 4), work a lot, and maintain a relationship with my boyfriend (now husband). I kept going and felt guilty if I complained. I very rarely said no to adding anything new because I believed I could do it all.

When my daughters were young, I traded volunteering for working but took it on as a full time job. I joined every group and then quickly got onto the executive committee or as close as I could. I attended every general meeting and every event and every committee meeting and every executive meeting and every class and every informational session and at times began to feel used up and exhausted. But keep going and stop complaining was so deeply inside me that I never even thought of doing it another way even though this attitude was beginning to take its toll.  

When my son was born, my daughters were in preschool and I added in PTA meetings and room mother responsibilities.And now that they were older, we also had to add in extracurricular activities and weekend birthday parties. The weekends were now full. Juggle, organize, keep going, and never complain. Time passed and I kept going. Eli turned one and as his birthday passed I developed a kidney infection. I had two in the past. One when my oldest was 2 months old and one when my second was 6 months. I didn't really think too much about it. I was busy juggling, keeping going, and maybe occasionally minimally complaining.

I didn't think about the fact that the kidney straddles the sacral chakra and the solar plexus chakra. It never entered my thoughts that these energy centers in the body could be blocked and that my body was trying to tell me something. And then I got a second kidney infection and then another and then another. There would be 17 in all before the year was over. After the fourth, my body had my attention.  I tried all the natural things and it took the edge off but I kept going and only slowed enough to have my appointments. I attended meetings, events, activities, and more and kept going.

The infections kept coming and I looked to conventional medicine to no avail. The process was slowed but the infections kept coming. Every natural and conventional practitioner gave it their all. I was told that everything looked perfect, my organs weren't scarred and looked pristine, and that they weren't sure how to help. But I was getting sicker. I finally started to get the message. Keeping going was getting harder. Fevers of 105 were taking their toll and I knew I had to find another path. 

I acknowledged that the kidneys did straddle the second and third chakra. I looked closer and realized that when  the second was out of balance it showed up as a lack of well being and when the third was out of balance it showed up as an inability to maintain boundaries. And both presented as illness in the bladder/kidney. WOW! I began to assess my priorities and recognized that I came first and my family came second and that many of the jobs that I had taken on needed to be delegated elsewhere. As I decluttered my mind and personal space the infections slowed and with just the right combination of self care DAILY and healing modalities, the infections stopped.

I began to notice those around me and realized that the mantra Keep Going and Stop Complaining is firmly ingrained in many people. It is destroying us. It is destroying our personal health and ability to be present for ourselves and others. It is definitely okay to say "NO, I can't do that". It is okay to say "My plate is full". It is okay to say "I'm not doing that today. I'm taking care of my needs". It's okay to say "I'm able to only do three things today. The others can wait till tomorrow". We need to ask for help. We need to OFFER help. We are allowed to complain if the job is too much. We MUST listen to complaints without judgement and acknowledge that some jobs are too much for one person. We don't have to do it all. We can't do it all. We need to once again be a community not a group of loners living in the same community. It is time for Keep Going and Stop Complaining to disappear and never be heard from again.

Bring On The Heat

I always loved the idea of self care, the idea that attending to my needs and consciously taking care of myself is valuable. I loved the idea of blocking out time just for me to heal, grow, refresh, and relax. I would look longingly at others who mastered the task. I would marvel at their ability to disconnect from society and connect to self. It was a lovely concept but foreign to me. When I received a gift certificate for a massage from a client after a long challenging birth, I decided to stick my toe into the self care arena. It was the perfect time to try. I was tired and ready to be refreshed. I was really anxious as the hour for the appointment approached. I wasn't able to rest completely. I kept worrying that someone was in labor and trying to reach me (no one was) and that I was going to miss their birth. But it felt good, refreshing even, and reminded me that I needed to take care of myself to be whole enough to take care of others. At first, I took baby steps, a pedicure here, a facial there, a massage here, a pilates class there. And then I ran, making sure to self care at least once but usually two or three times a week. Sometimes it meant a 15 min tea break with my phone in the other room. Sometimes it was a 2 mile walk while listening to a podcast. Sometimes it was a 60 minute massage. And sometimes it was a 20 minute power nap. I learned to self care emotionally, socially, psychologically, spiritually, and physically. 
And then one day after going down many self care rabbit holes, I discovered the ultimate self care ritual, peristeam hydrotherapy. It connected me on all levels. Peristeam hydrotherapy (aka vaginal steaming) is the therapeutic use of steam for healing and maintaining the perineum and internal and external reproductive organs. I started experimenting. I kept trying different protocols until I found the perfect combination for me. My twice a month 30 minute steam kept me toned, strengthened, happy, and relaxed. I loved it so much and got such good results that I began sharing with others. And they got good results. I would follow the therapeutic protocols and they got good results. The benefits I see include:

• Cleansing the uterus
• Stabilizing fertility
• Preventing and correcting prolapse
• Reducing fibroids, cysts, and growths
• Eliminating cramps and uterine pain
• Treating infections (UTI, yeast, bacterial)
• Promoting a "perfect" period
• Balancing hormones
• Increasing circulation
• Reducing bloating
• Tightening the skin
• Returning the postpartum body to the prepregnant state
• Bringing the body into harmony with nature

And there are many more benefits. I am witnessing healing, cleansing, toning, reducing, balancing, and returning weekly. And it's the perfect way to teach about self care. It happens regularly and you can't do anything but relax while partaking in your steam. Participating in self care is my way to remain whole. And when I'm whole, I can care for others. And when others are cared for, they can be whole. And when they are whole, they can care for others. And the positive cycle repeats. 
Find your self care ritual and embrace your whole. And if steaming appeals to you, reach out. We can develop a steaming protocol that meets your individual needs and enhances your self care. We should all be whole!

Now You're Green

I was yellow. I was born yellow. I lived yellow. Yellow is the "I" color. The color of personal power. The color of strength and stamina. Yellow is joy, happiness, and cheerfulness. It is the color of the third chakra, the solar plexus. The chakra of personal strength, learning, and comprehension. The area of ourselves where a strong sense of self, self esteem, and willpower grow. The ability to bring change into your life and into the world is born within the yellow. 


Danny was blue. Danny was born blue. He lived blue. Blue is the "You" color. The color of the desire for harmony, tranquility, and peace. Blue is introspection, thoughtfulness, and trust. It is the color of the fifth chakra, the throat. The chakra of communication and rational explanation. The area of ourselves where we find the courage to stand by our opinions and give truth expression. The ability to bring truth as a vehicle for change is born in the blue.


But now we are green. We were reborn green. We live green. Green is a combination of blue and yellow, offering the personal power of yellow mixed with the peace and tranquility of blue. I'm not sure when I first recognized the color change. It happened slowly, so slowly that the transition to green was complete before I even noticed. Did it start the first time he made me laugh? The first time he held my hand? The first kiss? The first time he brought me tea when I was sick? Our wedding?  Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! Green is the color of the fourth chakra, the heart chakra. The chakra of limitless compassion, empathy, and love. The area of ourselves that embraces vulnerability, unconditional love, and deep connection. The I and the You become the We! The color change happened slowly but I have no desire to only be yellow again. Happy Anniversary baby! Here's to 30 more!


"All your life you're yellow. Then one day you brush up against something blue, the barest touch, and voila, the rest of your life you're green."   Tess Callahan, author, painter, teacher, and mother of twins

Gam Ze L'Tovah

Yes, it's a foot. In fact, it's my foot. It's my foot adorned with a tattoo. I love my tattoo. I didn't think I would ever get one. My body was an "unblemished temple" and I couldn't imagine putting a permanent mark anywhere on my body. It was ultimately a swift 180 degree turn when the time came. 
In 2014, I decided I needed to have a daily affirmation to help me remember purpose and plan. My daily affirmation became Gam Ze L'Tovah. Gam Ze L'Tovah in English means This Too Is For The Good. I chanted and repeated and chanted and repeated but it just wasn't enough. One morning I awoke with a half remembered dream, a dream of art, color, memory, and joy, a dream where The words Gam Ze L'Tovah surrounded, encircled, and danced around my body. At that moment, I knew that I needed to put my affirmation on my body, in a place where it would be seen by me and others daily. 
But why Gam Ze L'Tovah? What does it mean to me?

• This Too Is For The Good-I truly believe that even in my darkest moments, light exists. I truly believe that even when my heart aches there is something good brewing, something that will change me or someone else in the process or even change process.
• This Too Is For The Good-I truly believe that I am only given what I can handle. Sometimes I don't handle. Sometimes I sit and do nothing and nothing changes and nothing gets better. But when I look and focus and remember Gam Ze L'Tovah and I stand tall, I Can Handle, even if it looks totally different than I expected.
• This Too Is For The Good-I truly believe that hindsight is sometimes the best sight. There may be no understanding of the why in the moment. It may only become clear as time passes. It may only make sense when we are older and look back. I use my affirmation as a way to surrender, as a reminder that purpose and plan may not be immediately evident.

Every morning when I shower and put on my shoes, I see these words painted quite beautifully on my left foot. They remind me to center, focus, and approach each moment with the belief that whatever happens, Gam Ze L'Tovah!