I want to text him that the birth happened and a lovely baby has been born. I want him to know everything is okay, mom, baby, and family are blossoming. I want him to know that I'll be home soon and we can cook together or binge our latest infatuation or just sleep while we snuggle. I want him to know that he was my first thought as soon as the immediate birth energy settled.
But it's been two weeks. Two weeks since I heard his voice. Two weeks since I held his hand and smelled his neck and kissed his lips. Two weeks since I crawled into bed beside him. Two weeks since I've been able to text birth time and a loving "see you soon!" message.
I have moments when I forget. I forget and expect him to be sitting in his favorite spot on the couch when I walk through the door. I forget and pick up my phone to call him and ask him what he's craving for dinner. I forget and start thinking about our next adventure, our next bucket list item. I forget and then I remember. I forget and then I remember. I forget and then I remember. And then I remember and I remember and I remember.
But I'm not broken and I'm not less than whole. My heart is full of the love he gave me even if my hands and arms are empty. A couple months ago I strongly told him that I couldn't do this alone, without him. His expression was gentle but serious as he told me that I was the strongest person that he ever met and that I could do it and he didn't worry about me for a minute. So every time I forget and remember I also remember those words. I remember that I am strong. I remember that our love made me strong. I remember that my heart is full. I remember that I'll always remember.
I Love You Daniel
September 3rd 1955-May 24, 2019